Change yourself, find yourself, find your inner strength. Look for it and you’ll find it. It might be hidden but it is there. We struggle everyday to find that inner strength we seek. Look for help if you need to. We read books and listened to audio books. We meditated and listened to spiritual music. Talk to someone, a friend, a family member or seek professional help. Whatever you do, do it all with positive thoughts. You will find the strength and it will come. You will feel it. You have the power.

There is a lot of information online for free. There is no excuse. If you are here reading this, Google it and you will find it. Some people work better with books, some work better with audio. In some cases your partner can read to you and you will both motivate each other.

We are not professionals, we are just like everyone else looking for answers. We hope that the people reading this blog will contribute ideas so we can have a healthy dialog exchanging philosophies and methods to create our lives. Ultimately the goal is all the same, to feel joy and happiness throughout our journey.

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” – Joel Osteen

Today is my last day on earth as a walking breathing human being. Have I done enough? Did I fulfill all the expectations. Did I live up to all the standards? Was I kind enough to my fellow human beings around me? Was I a good person in general. If I was a part of a religion, did I do all the right things to receive a reward of a first class ticket to heaven?

When I finally close my eyes tonight I will dream for the last time. Will I dream? Or will I wake up on the other side into another reality. I am a little confused. My last day is today. My last few moments here on earth. I am very sleepy. I am exhausted. When I close my eyes I will not wake up back into the current reality I am experiencing. How intimidating is that. I am going to sleep for the last time tonight. I am trying to reflect back on everything I have done and I cannot remember a damn thing. As I am typing I am becoming more desperate. Shouldn’t I be appreciating all of the love I have received. Should I be thankful for all of the love I was able to share? Or did I not share enough where I can be resting easy that it was sufficient?

I want to relax for my last breath. I need to be happy. I should be at ease. I have spoken to many people about control. The one thing we can control is our mind and how we perceive our experience. I have mentored all sorts of beautiful individuals on how our mind is very powerful and we can heal ourselves of fear. I am scared. Right now I am terrified of falling asleep. Fear is consuming me. I will not survive the night. I will be dead physically. I cannot run. I cannot be consoled and hugged back into happiness. I am all alone. I am dying. My life is leaving me. My energy is dissipating. Have I done enough? Whether I have or not why am I worrying. My time is up. It is over. Everyone around me is asleep. No one knows I am dying. No one can help.

Where do I turn? How can I deal with this ultimate end? Why am I feeling guilty? I am trying to weigh the bad and the good. Does my experience hold enough of the positive? If I was lucky enough to wake in the morning can I do something that is special enough to clear my history and ensure that my legacy is honorable? Is my legacy now enough experience to leave in the hands of my children and they could be proud? Is it that important? Does it matter? DO they care? Is the body of my life enough? I cannot breathe. My time is near. I am so worried. Are my loved ones taken care of?

Should I just give up? Let it go? My life is slipping from my control. I never had control. My body mind and spirit are riddled with fear of the unknown. Where is the light. I don’t see shit. All I see is the red in my vision the redness of fear! Where am I going? Is the where nothingness and darkness. When I shut down I will not exist? Will I just not be aware of anything any longer? If we dream now is it physical because our heart is pumping and conscious brain is active? If when we die and everything is off and the blood stops pumping is it just nothing? No awareness whatsoever. I cannot even begin to articulate the difficulty to explain what I am trying to comprehend. IF nothing is nothing after our last breath, and we are worrying about the little things that we cannot control in our lives, then our lives are precious. What we have is the moment. And the current moment is precious. We are holding a moment that is rare, Our moment is fading, As time passes behind us we cannot ask for it back.

My eyes closed right now. It felt like I blinked. I remember looking at the clock and it is 25 minutes later. Where was I? This is scaring me. Why am I scared? Is my body trying to tell me something? I need more time? I’m not ready? This is all there is? Don’t go to sleep!

I’m going to sleep. I will wake up tomorrow. I will try again. I am thankful I was here. My children know who I was to them and their children. My family is proud of my legacy of love. My joy is in everyone that I touched. I have given the gift of laughter joy and love to many. I have done enough. I am happy. If I wake tomorrow and am given another opportunity, I will began where I left off. Continuing my legacy and teaching others how to love and feel joy from sunrise to sunset.

When is fear healthy? Is it healthy? Is a portion of it healthy to keep grounded and humble? Do we put expectations on ourselves that are unattainable in turn create situations for us that are fearful? We create our own walls and challenges. We perceive our growing pains as failures. We worry of the future challenges before they are created and we don’t even know what the challenge is. So the build up of what we perceive is clearly more damaging than that of the actual situation. I struggle today with this theory. We worry of what is to come before it is here. We contemplate all the variables associated with that perception created in our minds. the truth of the matter is that the percentages that a situation will turn out different than what our perception is  of it is very high. So in essence we are wasting time. We are a very unpredictable species in a broader sense. We as humanity can surprise and be amazing against adversity. We can overcome the unthinkable. We are very passionate about our existence. We strive for joy at all costs. We look for stimulative purpose to substitute for the basic decision to be happy. We need external vices and distractions to give us a synthetic sense joy rather than looking internally… for the wisdom of our existence.

As an artist i lament the possibilities in life. I can have whatever it is I want. I can do what is possible and anything in life is possible. I look at the world in a pre-creative state of mind. Always looking for inspiration from people and still objects. I always look for the texture and color of life. I want to copy the beauty and express it in my work. I am a very basic artist in the sense that I do not complicate things. I am not a Picasso or Braque. I am not a Dali or Michelangelo. I am a very normal person with average skills. I love what i am capable of doing and I am not trying to sell or pawn myself as a master. Yet I am a master at creating what I love because it is mine. I create MY masterpieces for my enjoyment. I am very passionate about what my soul expresses. If some else is passionate about my work then that is an extra I can enjoy.

I am not fooled into believing I am going to compete for the attention that the very gifted and talented artists have. I am not trying to capture that audience. I do not even want an audience. I would love to inspire others to think the way I do and have a passion for what they love to do and to share it with others. Share it in a very humble way and pay attention to whom enjoys it. Enjoy your work with them and talk with your audience be it one or two persons.

I reflect on where I have traveled in my life, physically and spiritually. It has been a journey. Yet I have wasted precious time and resources. I have pissed away so to speak opportunities that I cannot return to myself. I myself learned this through those experiences. We live in a very comfortable world. We have before us a spoiled culture. If we fail we have a safety net. Lately we have been seeing that the world is very delicate and everything we are so used to having can be taken away in an instant. In a global light we have seen that nature, as we call it can have no mercy on us. Our earth reminds us that we are very small and to appreciate a reprieve we receive daily where there is calm. To enjoy everything we experience daily. To love everyone and give of each other. I do not care nor does it matter what you believe, if you are reading this then you have the luxury of internet access and the time to find this blog. You have the calmness in your life where you have time. Time to reflect on what you have and want. Time to appreciate and create opportunities to enjoy those gifts you are NOW able to enjoy. One day you’ll be detached from these opportunities and will struggle just to survive. Some life a lifetime of calmness. Some live a lifetime of chaos. Some live a lifetime of silence never knowing.

If there is a point to my madness it is to do not take your days and moments for granted. You only have one moment at a time. You are only guaranteed the moment you are in never the next.